Is my time through?

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I have been scaring myself. Or maybe not.

I couldn't sleep last night; I tossed and turned around til one moment... I stopped. I just stopped moving, curled myself up..And just lay there. I felt so weak, so restless and suddenly everything seems to peaceful to me. I wasn't all that sleepy. I didn't dare to fall asleep actually. I was afraid that I might not wake up... for life. The thoughts of just lying down there, not waking up when someone keeps knocking at my door scares me. I just didn’t move a single inch then.. my thoughts started running wild. I was imagining things. Like I got crashed by a big truck, was smashed to death. Like if I got snatched but I didn't want to let go and the fucker just used the parang and slash me or maybe stab with a knife. And I was imagining my funeral.. After a while I fell asleep, but I woke up feeling the same shitty feeling I had last night. Heh.. I know I'm crazy. I think I am too.

Btw, with the amount of crime rates, snatch thefts that's been happening rather often lately. Everywhere, anytime, it is happening. I was considered lucky in my past experience. I could have died. Seriously. Well, honestly, you won't understand how it felt that time unless you were me. I couldn't care less about anything when it happened, I just screamed my lungs out, kicked them like motherfcuker, and I didn't even realise I was punched on my cheek and my ears. My nose was bleeding, and the buttons on my shirt were all opened. Oh yeah, one side my shoe came off when they dragged me out from the car. I came to conclusion that, the reason why I was punched so fucking hard, was because I kicked them on the right spot.I was on a sitting position and they were both trying to drag me out of the car, and my shoes were the thick 2 inch heel, so can you imagine if your balls got kicked so hard that your mother couldn't even recognise you? (Applied to male species only) Yeah, so that was it.
Until today, I still get phobias here and there. Probably I'm paranoid.

Borderline is, you never know when is your time coming by.
You'll never know. Things can happen anywhere, anytime..
so please to be cautious in whatever you do.

If someday I am not here anymore, and I didn't have a last word with any of you.. just remember that I wrote this.
I'm sorry if I ever offended you, piss you off, scolded you or whatever. I am sorry to those I took for granted, people who were friends before but not-so-friend anymore now, friends that I have not been in contact with,and particularly to my girls. You girls are like my sisters. Have been through the ups and downs together with me for years. I will not be complete without any of you. I mean it. Much love. & my boy, I don't know what is happening now.. and I don't know what is going to happen next. Whatever it is, just remember that I will still love you no matter what happens.
You will always be in my thoughts.

I guess nobody wants to grow up. I miss those times when I was still at school. There is no worries about the future, not so much that is. Just struggle to wake up daily to go school and after school just get home and chill. My main focus now is to get the damn cert and start working. I want my mom to have better life. She has been working for over 26 years
and I think its time for her to stop since we are already so grown up.

Next 5 years I hope she can already have a grandchild to take care of. But of course, not mine, but my brother's. I probably will be ahead of him though, with the attitude he is having now.
Omg, its killer weh. Its nice having to be called auntie by my sibling's kid. . okay, I am thinking too far now. Back to reality. I have another 8 months to finish off my cert. 8 months, should be passing quite fast.

Short term, looking forward to November. There are too many issues going on now. Maybe its just me, I don't know. LDR sucks big time. Now I understand.
Its nice seeing people having no problems even though both are on different side of the world. But mine is killing me day by day.

I should stop thinking. To heck with him, for the mean time. I know, I am confident that things are gonna be just fine when he comes back in Nov. I just have to struggle for another 3 months.
I hope nothing is going to fuck it up.

Semester break...

I don't quite need a holiday right now.
When the boredom strikes in, I tend to think nonsense.
But it's just a mere 2 weeks holiday.
After this, my schedule will be pack I suppose.
I'm hoping to get a part time job a BodyShop as soon as possible.
For me to past time, and earn some pocket money as well.

I always loved weekends. I stay in most weekends to do my laundry
and to clean up my room, and relax.
I feel tired most of the times on weekdays.
Don't know whats happening to my body.

By the way, I should be heading to the door now.
Suppose to meet up with Lynn at Centrepoint in 15 minutes.
Laters.

Silliness...

Here's some silly random pictures with fond memories.

20082006

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You've seen me at my weakest, you've been someone I could lean on,

my pillar of strength.

You made me happy not only cause of your silliness but also because

moments with you were the happiest I have ever been.

You never fail to make me feel like I'm the most loved person when you tug me to bed each night

and feeling so thankful cause you're the first person I see when I open my eyes every morning.

Although you are now 583894758 miles away.. I still feel that you are near.

Remember the time you told me that

we'll pull of this long distance for sure..

We are half way through now.

Another 100 days and I'll be back in your arms again.

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I love you for everything that you are. :)

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Happy 6 months Darling!

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So much to do, so little time!

These days, I always look forward to weekends.
Reason, because its the time that I get to sleep all I want.
I don't sleep much these days, makes me feel so tired.
I spent the whole day cleaning up my room,
changed my bedspread and its all squeky clean now.
I still have a pile of dirty laundry to do. Urgh.
And its not helping that my nose is fucking up on me.
Its been leaking like a pipe the whole day.

I have an assignment due on monday.
I HAVE to finish it tonight in order to print it out in time tomorrow.
I don't think I can sleep tonight.
Plus, exam is next week already.
There isn't much to study just a little on Moral.
I don't want to fail, and the subject is so boring.
I am so fucking tired.. pyshically and emotionally.
:(

My perception of love..

2 days ago, someone asked me..

"Do you think you love him?", "What is love leh?".
It suddenly struck me.. and I thought about it for a while.

I answered her, love is like you just want to share everything with him,

having the needs to be with him, where you want everything to be the best for him, and is happy just because he is happy.
The way he holds me and says 'I love you' before we fall asleep each night,

feeling thankful to wake up beside him each morning

even though we've had a fight the night before.
Like how we spend time talking til the wee hours in the morning,

just admiring his actions, his tone of voice, movement and expression.
Expressing every single little thoughts I have for him,

missing him the minute we finished talking on the phone.

And not getting enough of him.

To love someone, you don't have to truly understand a person.

You don't have to ask for anything more from him.

You don't need him to be someone special to love him.
Cos, loving him in the first place already makes him special.

The beginning of love, is to let those we love be perfectly themselves

and not twist them with our own image.
Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

There were moments when I really miss him that I want to pick him

from my dreams and hug him for real.

Others were I woke up realising that I was tearing while dreaming of him.

To me, nothing beats family love. I feel so grateful that

I have such supportive family. I once went to this horoscope reading thingy,

she said that I had a major change in myself when I turned 11.

She said, I only realised the importance of family 2 years back.

Thinking back, what she said was true.

We are now closer than ever and I just can't live without any of them.

Now, what's your perception of love?

Emotionally wrecked.

It was an emotional day today.
My aunt's husband was cremated at the same place as my grandma.
So coincidence, it was the exact same room that we were in 1 and a half years ago.
Brings back lotsa sad and painful memories.
Just a couple of days ago.. My uncle played the funeral's dvd.
As I sat there watching, I couldn't help but cried.
It didn't seem that it happened all that long ago,
it felt like only a couple of months back.
Everytime I pray to her, in my heart, I always say, if you've got anything to say or you want please just let us dream about it..
But so far, only my aunt dream about her.
She probably had all that she needs wherever she is now.
Call me supersticious or whatever, long time ago, I don't believe in all these.
Ever since my grandma passed away, I believed some stuffs.
I only believe in things that has got to do with her.
I feel a pain in my heart everytime I think of her.
I miss having her around, I think everyone does.


There's another person that I've been missing like hell too.
For the past 2 nights, some msg came in at about 6-7 in the morning,
I checked my phone with a hope .. but I was crushed, yet again.
Its not that things aren't going right, just that maybe its not going the way that I want it to be, thats why I'm feeling like this.
I don't want to be feeling like this, I just can't help it.
I have not spoke to him on the phone for about 2 weeks.
Other than that, when we're online.. its just some mutual stuff.
He once said, he still love me, but not like before.
What is that suppose to mean?
Its either he lost feelings, or he does more.
I don't want to bring up the topic and then we both would be unhappy about it.
Its another 2 weeks to 3 months, I just can't wait.
I guess I just have to be patient and.. give him all the time and space he needs.
Its not so hard to do after all.
I just hate sleeping all by myself on a cold lonely night.

What is the meaning of life, does one really know?

*sigh*
My mom's eldest sister's husband just passed away.
One month ago, it was her other sister's husband.
Four months ago, was her brother.

You never know when its gonna be our turn.
Today you might be glad that you're happily living your life..
But tomorrow you might be gone.
Ironic isn't it.
On my dad's side.. there were 4 funerals last year including
my late-grandma's.
And this is the 3rd this year.. all from my mom's side.

I can honestly tell you that I am not afraid of death.
What I am afraid of, is the way that I am going to die.
That is why I always say, Live your life like there's no tomorrow.
NO ONE will know what is going to happen tomorrow.

I feel like shit today.
My chest is feeling so tight that I could hardly breathe.. and my head seems so heavy.
And the news that I just got is not helping.

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I miss.

This is so sweetttttttttttttttt. Pfft.

I miss being with someone. So much.